The Elevator is Not For the Weak

19 Apr

The elevator is trying to kill me but wants to fuck with me first.  Like a cat pawing the mouse, batting it around before it finally snatches it betweens it’s teeth and punctures it’s heart.

The other day I got on the elevator to go home.  I am on the eighth floor.  An older gentleman got on at the fifth floor.  We rode the rest of the way down noone else got on.  It was late, around 7pm.  We get to the ground floor and the older gentleman begins to shuffle out – but too far to the right so it made it difficult for me to put my arm out to stop the doors from closing either on him or just behind him.  I tried to move around him to the other side but he was too slow.  Not slow enough to make it out before the elevator doors closed.  With me STILL INSIDE. I almost screamed.  I know it sounds extreme.  I was tired.  Just worked 10 hours, had an hour drive in front of me and I did not want to be in the elevator because some slllloooow old man wouldn’t get out of the freakin’ way.  I know I should be kinder, someday I’ll be old.  Today, I am NOT old, though. I’m not. So, instead of screaming I did the most natural #2 thing.

Top five answers on the board…Survey Says…

I immediately begin madly pushing the ground floor button.  Repeatedly. Because pushing the button once would not properly convey to the Elevator that I wanted to get off NOW.  Pushing the button 80 times in a row tells the Elevator, “If you don’t open those silver pieces of tin doors now, Mister, somebody is gonna get hurt real bad.” 

Ah, but the Elevator had an agenda.  It knew where it was going, what it was doing and what it was doing was NOT letting me out.  It took me straight up to the tenth floor.  Paused long enough at the darkened lobby for me to consider getting out but then quickly snapped it’s doorarms shut and shuttled me to the 7th floor, rinse, repeat at the fifth floor before finally taking me to the ground floor again, where I quickly JUMPED out of the elevator.  It was practically Olympic the way I leapt from my rectangular cabled captor.  We (the Elevator and I) did not pick up any passengers because there were no passengers.  The Elevator was just showing me who my daddy was.  The older gentleman whose fault it was the Elevator got me to begin with was STILL in the lobby talking to the security guard. 

He said, “You got kidnapped!” Call me paranoid after the experience I had but I thought he almost seemed pleased with himself for quipping.  Old fart.

I said, “Yes.  Yes, I did.” Then with absolutely NO humor in my voice, “If the elevator was a person I would kick it in the head.” 

They laughed.  Thought is was sooo funny.  Oh the irony.  I thought of that song, “I started a joke but noone laughed with me…”The security guard and the gentleman were still laughing as I pushed through the glass lobby doors into the dark night. 

Another time when I got on, there was a youngish Asian woman already on. Long black hair hanging in her face, head bent, hands shoved in her cabled gray sweater.  By the fifth floor, we were Four Riders and she suddenly says through the curtain of hair over her face, “Have you ever seen that movie Devil?” and starts snickering to herself.   Creep. 

Elevator Pet Peeves

I hate it when people get on the elevator and go up one floor or down one floor.

This last week it rained really hard and half the people who got on the elevator smelled like wet dogs.  

People get on and don’t know which floor they need, then ask everyone in the elevator, “Which floor is such and such business on?”  Noone ever knows. 


1 Comment

Posted by on April 19, 2012 in Uncategorized



One response to “The Elevator is Not For the Weak

  1. braintomahawk

    April 26, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    As someone who grew up in an apartment building, I hear you completely. I do admit to one-flooring it, but that’s on the long days and only going up ;). And yes the elevator in my building sometimes changes its mind about going up or down, even after I press for my destination.


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